


Dreamer

by thefirstwaltz



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: F/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-06
Updated: 2009-11-17
Packaged: 2018-03-08 10:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3205166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefirstwaltz/pseuds/thefirstwaltz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Tohru moves out with Kyo, the ex-cat does unforgivable. Suddenly, the 19-year-old finds herself in a void where everyone is trying to tell her how she's supposed to react, how she's supposed to feel about Kyo, and how to recover. All except one ex-rat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AssassinedAngel (ff.net)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=AssassinedAngel+%28ff.net%29).



> (Changed from original posting!) It's been six years since I wrote this as a freshman in high school, and it's still something that I'm unreasonably proud to have written. I don't know if it's my best work for the pairing, but it marks a point in my writing where I started recognizing consequences to characters' actions outside of the superficial. This first chapter does contain a non-graphic description of rape. Unfortunately, as the story does center around the aftermath of rape, I suggest that if you are triggered, you simply do not read. Enjoy.

**Chapter One**

The scorpion fish had been on sale. That was all Tohru could remember clearly. She'd picked up the Styrofoam tray, gasped happily at the price sticker, and placed it in her shopping basket. The young woman shifted in the bed, brown eyes boring tattoos into the blank ceiling above her. The night was stale, too quiet and too pressing for her to sleep within its depths. After that, it was all flashes, scraps of memory playing in an endless loop. The text message on the cell phone-

_Tohru looked up sharply as a cheery tune exploded into existence near her. Finally remembering her cell phone, the brunette reached into her bag and fetched out the pink item, flipping it open with an earnestly excited face. Maybe it would be Kagura-chan or Rin, neither of which she saw of anymore since she moved in with Kyo. But it was a text message from Uo-chan. "Hey Tohru-chan, I'm comin' over for some Dai Hin Min. Be sure to be home, scatter-brain!" The cell phone clicked closed, and Tohru went back to her shopping, hurrying to the checkout lanes. She had to get home to prepare some snacks!_

She eventually let her burning eyes rest, granting mercy upon the ceiling. Still, her eyes stung, as if she'd been swimming in a chlorine-water pool for hours, gliding underwater with her eyes open. The door to Kyo's and her apartment hanging open-

_She stared at the open door, confused. Uo-chan was usually considerate enough to close the door behind her, and Kyo wasn't the type to keep the door open on a hot day such as this. He was too paranoid. Gripping the shopping bag in her left fist, Tohru reached for the doorknob with her right hand and stepped into her home, calling out in a voice much higher than usual, "Kyo! Uo-chan! I'm back! Just let me make some snacks, then we can begin!"_

The brunette's mind just wouldn't give her peace. What was she supposed to say? Think? Act like? Feel? A steady voice rose from the hallway and wavered into her room. Tohru could recognize that voice even if she were deaf. It seemed to come to her via her heartbeat, not by her ears. "Machi, I know you don't like it this way, but I was afraid of what she would do to herself if-"

A softer, more persistent voice interjected, "I'm not worried about what she would do, I'm just...I haven't seen you like this before. It's like I don't know you, Yuki. Like I don't, but Honda-san does."

Tohru burrowed under the covers, trying to block the hushed words. Uo-chan now, collapsed on the floor, clothes torn, sobbing into her arm-

_The usually vivacious young woman was crumpled on the tatami floor next to the kotatsu, her clothes ripped in several places, like someone had been clutching her with them. The plastic bag slipped out of Tohru's hand, and hit the floor. With the soft "thunk" it made, Arisa Uotoni looked up, eyes wide. She opened her mouth, but another sound distracted her. The blonde turned her head in a flash, eyes widening even more with fear as someone approached her. Tohru scrunched up her face, knowing who it was and praying that it wasn't. "Yankee bitch! Did you think I'd let you off so easily, huh!? You owe this to me, yeah!?" Tohru opened her eyes. She whispered, "Kyo..."_

It finally reached her, and Tohru curled together underneath the quilt, quivering with internal sobs. How could he have done this to her? What had she done wrong to displease him to the point of raping her friend? She'd told him she wouldn't have sex until they were married, or at least engaged, but Kyo had agreed with her, saying that the wait made it all the better. Was it her fault, then? Was she the actual problem, the villain? It must have been her! The sobs escalated into sound, and the shaft of light from the hallway grew the silhouette of a young man. He knocked softly on the transom, announcing his entrance to her room. Yuki sat on the end of the bed, asking quietly, "Tohru, are you okay?" The brunette shook her head under the comforter, knowing he wouldn't be able to see it. But she didn't want him to. She felt stupid, silly, and ignorant. Why had she trusted him in the first place? Why Kyo? Why was it Kyo in the end? It hadn't always been Kyo; she knew that. Another flash-

_A quiet tear escaped Arisa's dark-blue eye. She said nothing; shaking violently as the young man approached, fly open, face contorted into a snarl, red eyes glinting. She felt him grabbing her, feeling her up, doing what he pleased. And yet, she couldn't say she hadn't known this was within the orange-haired delinquent she'd first met in high school four years ago. Hearing nothing but her irregular breath rattling in her chest and seeing spots, her gaze weakly returned to her best friend. She was frozen at the doorway, something broken in her face. Uo looked up at her sorrowfully, pleading for forgiveness. She hadn't been strong enough...She whispered, "I'm sorry, Tohru-chan..." and blacked out._

Yuki watched his hands in his lap steadily, wondering what the hell he was doing. This was his fault, after all. He'd known Kyo the longest, the best. Yet he hadn't seen this within the stupid cat. And when the time came, he'd given Tohru up, given up his one and only dream, to him. He could've of stopped it, protected her, shown her what Kyo could become. But instead, he'd been selfish, breaking away from the developing couple to shield himself from the pain. He'd told himself so many times that Tohru was a mother-figure, that she saw him as a close friend, and that she loved Kyo so much more. But that one snag, that one confusing thought he'd had as a second year in high school made it impossible for him to believe himself. When Tohru had been running after Kyo, he'd noticed her figure. Even in the darkness, three years later, he blushed. He was still attracted to her, no matter what he tried to ignore it. He fumbled for words, silence bearing down on him. The silver-haired young man asked tentatively, "Tohru...?"

The young woman sniffled, and threw the comforter back, sitting up. And there he was. She sobbed, "Yuki! I-...I think I'm to blame! It was me, wasn't it?"

With that, the brunette sank into his embrace, clinging to his shirt for dear life as the ex-rat awkwardly wrapped his arms around her, pulling away a bit to avoid touching his chest to hers by an old habit. The push-

_Uo-chan's eyes flittered closed, and the hideous grin spilled along Kyo's face grew. He began going more roughly, cursing. The next thing she knew, Tohru was across the room, arms thrust out, Kyo flung to the floor by her push. For a moment, there was just the heaving sound of Tohru's breathing, and Kyo managed to pull himself into a vertical position, weak at the joints like a puppet being held up by strings. He turned his head, not knowing what had hit him, eyes moving along the calf, the skirt, and finally her face. She was bent over Uo, carefully buttoning up her shirt, straightening her skirt. He blanched as brown eyes flashed his way, something within the sizzling glare freezing him in his place. Automatically, his hands scrabbled to his fly and zipped it up, trying to avoid those eyes._

She continued to release the fury out onto Yuki's shirt, back shaking underneath his hands. Cautiously, Yuki lifted a hand and stroked her hair calmly, keeping an even rhythm. The brunette pressed in closer, making the space between their chests impossible for the ex-rat to keep comfortably, and continued, "It was me. Me, me, me me  _me_! I didn't see it, and now...and now..."

She lapsed back into violent tears, fingers digging into his shirt's sleeves. Gently, the silver-haired young man began to rock her back and forth, flustered. Another fl-

_"Cell phone."_

_Kyo looked up again, facing Tohru's hand stretched out in front of his face, waiting for him to put something in it. The brunette repeated the demand, her voice sharp and terse. Stammering, Kyo slipped the phone into her hand, and the hand retreated quickly, the movement angry. He gulped in spite of himself. He'd never seen Tohru like this, never. The brunette dialed urgently, and held a quick conversation with someone who was apparently Hatori, then dropped the cell phone onto the kotatsu. See that Uo was properly covered and positioned comfortably, the young woman finally turned to the orange-haired young man sprawled on the floor whose face was still in shock. She shivered, and then said in a low, forced voice, "How. Could. You."_

_Suddenly, Kyo's dark idea seemed stupid and random, without merit. The beginning of syllables escaped his lips, but nothing else. The glare returned in a high ferocity. "What. Made. You. Think. This. Was. Right."_

_Only gibberish agreed to come from his mouth._

_"So I wasn't enough for you, Kyo? I. Gave. You. Everything. And. I. Wasn't. ENOUGH!?"_

_Her voice rose, making the ex-cat recoil. Hatori burst through the door with a stone-faced Shigure and Kureno and rushed towards Kyo. Their eyes were flint, sharpened to points. Hatori settled down next to Uo, noting every wound. Tohru finished, "I...YOU DISGUST ME!"_

_And she ran from the room, leaving Kyo behind. Leaving the rape behind. She just ran. Kyo was escorted quietly from the apartment into the Sohma car, Kureno staying behind with Uo to wait for the ambulance. The young man could remember his mother saying those words to him, Yuki saying those words to him, Akito saying those words to him, him saying those words to Tohru. And now she said those words to him. He dropped his face into his hands. He'd gone in a complete circle again._

Another young woman lingered silently by the doorway of the room, watching the silver-haired young man comfort the brunette. Her face was smooth, blank like a sheet of paper, but her hand were tensed into fists, her fingernails digging into her palms. She'd never seen him this cautious, this gentle, and this awkward. She'd always known that he was still in love with  _her_. After all, how could he not be? She was...She was...She was his light, the warmth that melted his frozen heart. It was because of her that he saw the sun in the rain, saw the blossom in every seed, and saw Machi. Because of her, he'd recognized true love, and from this came his affections. Without Honda-san, Machi knew, she wouldn't be with Yuki.

But Machi also knew one more thing: she was a poser, a replacement in the position that the ex-rat seemed to be saving for someone else. Machi hadn't quite fit, but she was so close he'd accepted her. The young woman turned away from the room and the embrace, biting her lip. Now she knew whom it was for. She walked into the bedroom, glancing at where he'd thrown the blankets aside to run after Honda-san, and swept past into the closet. It was a stupid mistake of hers, falling in love with Yuki Sohma. Just another stupid mistake. She shut the closet door, flicked off the lights, and let the emotions wash her away.

Yuki heard the closet door shut, and looked down, hoping that Tohru was calm enough that he could let go and take care of Machi. But the brunette seemed unable to let go, like he was all she had left to her world. And, in a way, he guessed he was. So, feeling guilty, he stayed, stroking her hair, rocking her back and forth, and trying very hard not to say anything. Opening his mouth would let those rejected words surface again. He heard the closet door open, the front door open, and the footsteps down the stairs.

Yuki glanced down again, realizing that the young woman in his arms was asleep, her fingers wrapped in his shirt, her face nuzzled into the crook of his arm. If it weren't for the redness of her eyes, he'd think she looked peaceful. Carefully, he somehow managed to navigate an arm underneath her knees, and shifted her back onto the sheets. Then he fell forward as well. Bewildered, Yuki froze, bracing himself against jumping out of his skin, and mentally reminded himself to smack his forehead when he wasn't busy. Her fingers! Fumbling, the ex-rat lifted the brunette's fingers away from his shirt and froze once more, calculating his next move. It would be difficult to move away from on top of someone without waking him or her, but he had to try. Muscles tense, he slid his right leg farther off of the bed towards the ground, bringing his left side up. Then it was only a matter of standing up. Relieved, the young man planted his hand somewhere stable, and stood. He let out the pent-up breath, and was above to move away when a very awake Tohru whispered, "Yuki-kun, can you move your hand, please?"

Shoulders hunched, already imagining what and where his hand had landed on the brunette, Yuki slowly turned. Horrified, he stared down at his hand, which was lodged between Tohru's left arm and her… _Yuki Sohma, move you hand! NOW! NOW! NOW!_ Like he had put his weight on a burning stove, Yuki ripped his hand away and tried to slink away with as much of his dignity as possible.  _She's going to hate me too, just for that._  But, to his amazement, Tohru sat up and giggled into her palm. Instantly, all of the stress within Yuki's body washed away, the laughter he thought he'd never hear again lilting through his head. However, the fact remained that once again he'd invaded her privacy. Quickly, he turned around and bowed, stumbling with his, "I-…I apologize!"

Tohru's laughter only increased, and she cried, "Y-Yuki-kun, it's fine! J-Just, the look on your face…!" Her words were sucked back into laughter, leaving Yuki to smile nervously and retreat. An empty bedroom met him, her note on the bed. He didn't read it: he knew what it said. The echo of Tohru's laughter withered within him, and Yuki lay down on the un-made bed, falling into an accusation-ridden nightmare. He awoke suddenly, ten minutes later. Tohru's words rang in his ears, and he recognized them as the same thing he had told her at the hot spring, so many years ago on that White Day. He tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn't stay there. Softly, he padded into Tohru's room and lay down on the floor, carrying a pillow with him. The young man gathered the pillow to his chest with his arms, and closed his eyes, waiting for Tohru to ask him what he was doing on the floor. Sleep took over his senses, and Yuki dropped into gentle waves of Tohru's laughter and cold breezes of Machi's voice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The hospital was always an escape for Hatori. He could walk into the austere brick building and do his work calmly. Indeed, there had been times when his office was the battleground, not his fortress, but it had been so long…So long since his Kana had stolen herself from him.

Tohru Honda, Kyo Sohma, and Saki Hanajima all sat before him. He'd brought them there to discuss what to do next. The brunette was staring at her lap, silent, furious tears running down her face. Her eyes flickered to the doctor, and he knew that he had betrayed her by tricking her into being in the same room as  _him_. The orange-haired "him" in question was sitting in his chair like a defeated general: he knew he had already lost this war. Hatori had seen all three of the young adult's faces when Tohru-kun and Hanajima-san walked in to see Kyo sitting there, waiting for them. The brunette's eyes had widened, open windows into her emotions, and then she had snapped the windows shut. The horrible event Kyo Sohma had caused put a steely gleam into those innocent eyes of hers. And whenever the ex-cat was in her presence, it was clearly conveyed.

Hatori had also noticed how Hanajima-san had taken the middle chair, how Tohru and the dark-haired young woman had calmly shifted their chairs to the right, separating them from a group that contained Kyo. How the insulting defense in Kyo's eyes had withered away. There was doubt in his mind; once again, his hospital was a battleground. In the burning silence, Hatori steepled his hands, and said flatly, "Uotoni-san has traumatic shock, a mild concussion, a broken wrist, and she is pregnant. When she is lucid, I will present the option of abortion to her."

Those brown eyes said it all:  _How dare he. How could he. Why Uo-chan. This rage was for me. Crossed the line… Unforgivable… Obscene… Dangerous… Unstable… Pregnant, you bastard… Uo-chan, I'm so sorry… My fault?_  He could see Hanajima-san wincing behind the placid mask as the harsh waves of ruthless thought reached her mind. Her hand, dark fingernails, gripped Tohru's on the arm of the brunette's chair. Tohru noticed Hana-chan's hand, and tried to calm her thoughts. But she simply could not. Her shoulders jerked in a silent sob: she was hurting yet another of her friends, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Saki struggled to hold up her usually serene expression. It had been weeks, but the brunette's fury only seemed to increase with each day. The dark-haired young woman turned her attentions to the ex-cat's waves. But she withdrew quickly, horrid flashes of pleasure and shame crippling. She bent over. She wanted to hurl, but the emotion wasn't hers. Besides, everything Saki would've wanted to know was right there in the orange-haired young man's countenance. Kyo was angry, pleased, horrified, shamed, humbled, insulted, apologetic, and strangely determined. Frowning slightly, Hatori delved deep into that happy determination, and found a resolve within Kyo.  _He wants to raise the child he has forced upon Uotoni-san._ Tohru sat up straighter, and stated, "Uo-chan will not want an abortion. She is too kind, too caring to ruin someone's life. Even if someone has already ruined hers."

With that, the brunette stood and bowed, excusing herself from the room and from the presence of the ex-cat. As she swept past, Kyo looked up, hoping for forgiveness, some sort of connection to keep with the young woman. But all he saw in those eyes was raw hatred. Hana was soon to follow Tohru, the two sitting together next to the unconscious Arisa's bed. The blonde looked so pale, so fragile. It was hard to believe she had been part of a gang, and had carried around an iron pipe for many years before she was coaxed out of it. This was not the Uo-chan Tohru loved. The brunette gripped the cloth of her skirt in her fists, and she whispered, "Hana-chan, do you feel…?"

"No, Tohru. Nothing."

Her tight fists began to shake.

"Is there any way you could talk to her?"

"Possibly."

The door to the room clicked open slightly, and Yuki stuck his head in, a fretting question embedded in his dimmed eyes. Hana shook her head at him without even looking over his shoulder, and raised a single index finger. More time. He sighed softly and retreated. Tohru choked back a sob, and asked shakily, "C-…Could you tell her that I'm s-…sorry?"

Hana nodded and closed her eyes for a moment, lacing the message into Uo's waves for when she awoke once more. It would be the first thought in her mind once she was lucid. She also tried to smooth away the panic and distress, removing as much pain from her friend's mind as possible. She did this silently: she knew that if she told anyone about it, especially a Sohma, they'd be horrified by it. But all Hanajima wanted was to repent, to cause no more pain. She could not simply sit there and watch her friend suffer. If only Tohru were unconscious as well… Then she could wish away so much more.

The pale young woman turned her deep, dark eyes back to Uo, her hand trailing along the blonde's cold one for a light moment.  _Everything's going wrong, Uo. We'd known how precarious Kyo was, but we'd never told Tohru. Like always, we wanted to protect her. In the end, one of us fell, and now… I wish you could see the hatred in her eyes. I don't know if you would be proud or saddened, but I want you to know it's there._  She brushed her black braid out of her face and stood. The brunette shot up stiffly, and murmured, staring at her clasped hands, "You won't let me stay, will you."

"He's out there waiting for you, Tohru. He's worried about you."

Tohru glanced up at her, eyes bloodshot from freshly unshed tears.

"H-How do you know?"

Hana smiled slightly and tapped the side of her head. Tohru nodded, and blushed, torn between the two places she wanted to be. She knew Yuki was out there, worrying about her and wishing she was there for him to protect, and she yearned for him to wrap his arms around her, shushing her dark thoughts away. Ever since the curse broke, an embrace from Yuki Sohma was like a calming bubble, and a rarity. But the brunette couldn't help but want to remain by Uo's side at all times, despite her friends' urges. She wanted to be there when Uo first opened her eyes again, just so she could be the first to apologize, the first to feel the release of worry from her leaden heart. She stayed where she was, hesitating. Saki sighed and gave her a hug and a little push towards the door, saying, "I'll be here, Tohru. Don't worry. Now go."

The young woman stumbled out of the hospital rooms, wheeling wildly to catch her balance. Almost by well-learned reflex, the ex-rat caught her and steadied her before asking softly, "Are you ready to go home?"

"I'd never be ready to go home. But Hana-chan told me to go because you're wor—"

She clapped her hands over her mouth, realizing that she was about to spill out something that might embarrass the silver-haired young man. Yuki merely nodded his head and let go of her shoulders, his hands prickling from the contact. Tohru was always so careful to be sure that no one's feelings were hurt that, sometimes, it was her emotions that were forgotten in the end. He walked back to the chair and sat down fluidly, moving his eyes upward to the brunette's surprised expression. He stated softly, "Stay. I can wait for you, Tohru. If you need to do this, just know that I'm waiting for you the whole time. Right here."

The young woman blushed, like red watercolor upon creamy paper, and retreated back into Uo-chan's hospital room. Ignoring Saki's raised eyebrows and slightly pursed mouth, she dragged another chair up to the side of the bed and settled in it. Then Tohru prepared to wait.

It was four hours later when the blonde young woman's eyes cracked open blearily. For a moment she was floating on a blissful cloud, but then the harsh light came into focus and pain exploded within her. Oddly, it smoothed away, and Hana's voice slipped a thought into her mind.

" _Tohru-chan thinks it is her fault, Uo. She says that she is ' sorry'."_

Arisa parted her lips, wincing at their dryness. She glanced wildly to her left, spotting a tube protruding from her arm. Startled, she tried to move her right hand to rip it out, memories of the results heroine and other drugs she saw from her days in the gang, but she couldn't lift it. For some reason, it was too heavy. Her blue eyes strained to see her right side, watering. A white, bulky cast encased her wrist and lower palm, making it impossible for her to raise it with the strength she had. The young woman continued to strain against the unexpected hindrance, finally lifting her hand closer to her eyes to inspect it. The cast was a fresh white, three names printed on it: Saki Hanajima, Tohru Honda, and Yuki Sohma. The first was neat, rounded exactly like children were taught early in their life to write. The second was thick-lined and somewhat messy-looking. But the last was thin and small, Arisa's navy blue eyes squinting in order to read the subtle characters. Her gaze locked on the katana spelling out  _Sohma_ , eyebrows pushed together by her confusion as to why that simple group of lines made her angry and afraid. Then  _his_  face seared across her mind, and Arisa curled up slightly, clutching herself in a tight hug, feeling violated, like something in her was wrong.

When she turned to her side, she noticed her two friends next to her, eyes closed. Tohru's head had fallen on Saki's shoulder as they had fallen asleep together, their hands laced together on the contiguous armrests between them. A wrench of sorrow pulled somewhere in the blonde's stomach when she saw the redness of her brunette's eyes. Moving her inspection to the dark-haired girl, Uo was shocked to see a single tear running down Hana's face in her sleep. It trailed silently, gathering at her jaw and dripping onto the young woman's collar before spreading into a small, dark spot.

Uo sat up weakly, sliding closer to her friends under the sheets of the bed. Quietly, she buried her face into Tohru's lap and succumbed to the sadness stinging to be released. And that was how Hatori found them three hours later. He smiled sadly at the three before checking Arisa's vitals before leaning over to assure himself that the IV was still fastened securely to the blonde's arm. Satisfied, the dark-haired Sohma exited the room, eyebrows rising at his younger cousin asleep on the wooden bench outside of the room. Shaking his head, Hatori let him sleep, knowing the next day was going to be twice as difficult for the silver-haired young man. Although it was Tohru-kun that dealt directly with the horrors, Hatori knew that Yuki would suffer every second as long as the brunette was pained. Truly, the ex-rat's love for the young woman was amazing.

The young man stirred, and rubbed his eyes blearily before bolting up. He didn't even appear to transition from lying down to standing. His gray eyes narrowed dangerously, and he said quietly, "Time."

It sounded like a statement, not a question, but Hatori had seen Yuki this perturbed, and regarded it as one. The older Sohma pulled up the sleeve of his white coat to glance at his watch, then replied calmly, "Three in the morning."

"Tohru."

"She's asleep in Uotoni-san's room. It appears that Uotoni-san gained consciousness at some point, but they are all sleeping now."

The strain in Yuki's posture seemed to relax, and he slumped slightly, a hand rising to spread across his eyes. He murmured something, and then sat again, laying his head back as if to return to his sleep. Hatori hesitated, and then slid into the stretch of bench next to his cousin. He clutched Uotoni-san's information on his clipboard, and stated calmly, "You know, you can't last much longer like this."

Yuki answered without moving, only his voice proving that he was not yet asleep.

"I told her I'd be here, so here I am."

"That wasn't what I meant, and you know it, Yuki."

The young man dipped into a musing silence, the lack of a voiced reply the answer to Hatori's comment. Yuki propped his head up on a platform of his hands, sitting up and forward, banishing the tendrils of sleep from his mind. The ex-dragon stood up again, and took his leave. But as he walked away, he called out, "You know you love her."

A short moment of shock passed over the silver-haired man's thoughts; how could have Hatori known? If it were a guess, then there was no best reaction. Anything he said or did could be interpreted either way. But if it wasn't a guess… Well, if Hatori noticed, then so had Haruhatsu and Shigure. And if even Haru had noticed, then…  _Stupid cat…_  Yuki stayed in that position for a long time, maybe hours, maybe minutes. Some nurses had tried to offer him coffee or ask him who he was waiting for, but all the ex-rat saw before his eyes was those priceless years of high school playing over and over, his heart scrutinizing every moment as if to see what he had done wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Tohru blushed. Not that this was a particularly unusual occurrence, especially since Yuki had asked her to take up a permanent residence with him in his blank apartment. At first, she hadn't minded the creamy-white walls, but as the hours turned into days and the days turned into weeks, their cleanliness began to disturb her. At night, when she was trying to sleep, they whispered to her of Yuki-kun's memories. And it was this day that she could stand it no longer. Blushing before even requesting that the young man let her paint his walls, she poured his cup of tea, the words scurrying around the tip of her tongue. She quietly handed Yuki his steaming cup, then ventured, "Yuki…?"

"Yes?"

He replied almost  _too_  quickly, eager to be rid of the uncomfortable silence that ballooned around them in times like these. Times that were similar to their last year of high school. Surprised, the brunette continued softly, "…I was wondering if you would mind if I painted the walls…" Her request was met by Yuki blinking at her, silver eyes politely confused. She turned the cup around and around in her hands, staring at it in wordless contemplation before adding, "I've never liked white walls. They make me feel as if no one lives there. After my mom died, they came and painted over the walls. White. Nothing. Absence of life, personality."

"What color would you want my walls to be?"

She glanced up at him, a little shocked that the ex-rat had accepted her proposition so easily, and considered what color she would advise. Tohru raised her eyes in thought, not noticing the faint pink that appeared on the silver-haired young man's cheeks. Finally, she lowered her eyes, and decided, "Blue, I think. Not too light or too dark, just a pri—" She paused, grasping quickly for a word to replace her original description.  _He'd never want me to use princely as an adjective for anything that related to him._  "—Regal blue. Something with subtle elegance. Intelligent, almost."

"That sounds like a nice idea, Tohru. We can go to a paint store later today."

She clapped her hands together in glee, face lit with a rosy glow that seemed to come from the brightness of her smile. Satisfied, she dropped her hands and continued to grin at the table in front of her. Although Tohru did not see it at the time, Yuki had set his cup down and was crossing his fingers quietly as he stared as her face, enraptured. After those long three months, he was finally beginning to see the old Tohru emerging from the broken young woman before him. And with her, his love for the brunette was renascent. Suddenly, he had another chance, another way to fulfill his tentative dreams that laced his sleep and weighted his days. Tohru's smile replicated itself across his features, his gray eyes glittering beneath their muted hues. Slowly, perhaps so slowly that only one who watched her constantly could possibly notice, Tohru Honda was beginning to trust others with her heart once more.

The ex-rat cursed his inability to match colors, and randomly selected a paint chip. Acting like he had deeply contemplated the shade of blue, Yuki smoothly handed the chip to the brunette next to him, who scrutinized it silently. Her brow furrowed, and Tohru looked up at him, brimming with that ingenuous luminescence that ensnared him within those brown eyes so easily. She asked, "Do you really want this color, Yuki-kun? It's very…" She glanced at the chip caught between her fingers, the furrow becoming a crease at the obscenely neon blue. "…Vibrant."

The two stood there, marooned in a myriad of hues, blankly staring at the paint chip in her hand. Yuki's brain flicked on the extra generator, and clicked to its conclusion. He held out his hand for the chip and said laughingly, "I meant to pick up this one!" He began to chuckle nervously, glancing desperately at the second random chip he had chosen. It was, thankfully, a better hue. Tohru gently took it from him, then nodded approvingly at the shade. Just as carefully as she had taken it from Yuki, she opened the envelope and placed it among the other elite choices. The brunette inspected their collection, then announced, "I think we have enough. But it's up to you, Yuki-kun. What do you think?"

"I, er…. Whatever you think is fine, Tohru-kun."

She giggled behind her hand and walked towards the front of the paint store. The two stepped out of the building and started their journey back home, the four-block trek flying behind them as their conversation increased.

Laughing at an event they had recalled from high school, the young man and woman were breezing through the front entrance of the apartment building when, suddenly, Tohru halted. Her brown eyes snapped in the direction from which they came, and she murmured, "Kagura-chan…"

The ex-boar mutedly stood from the chair and folded her coat across her arm. Unlike the Kyo-obsessed girl she had once been, this nineteen-year-old was dressed conservatively, her frock a deep shade of red, her shoulders not laden down with the old cat-shaped pack she used to tote around with her. The only hint that the old Kagura existed was the small, stuffed cat keychain attached to her purse. For a moment, neither girl looked at each other, their brown eyes pointing in opposite directions. Tohru's fingers clutched at Yuki's arm as she finally managed a hollow, "G-Good Afternoon, Kagura-chan." The brunette nodded, remaining silent, then replied, almost regretfully, as if it was the last thing she ever wanted to do, "Aren't you going to invite me upstairs?" Tohru blushed, and admitted, "Well, I would, but it isn't my home to offer, Kagura-cha-"

"It's Sohma-san."

"—Sohma-san."

Tohru shrank against Yuki's arm, regressing back to how she had acted in the first month. For a quick moment, Yuki was angry with Kagura.  _Just when she was starting to be normal again, and then…_  But it couldn't be helped now. Stiffly, he requested, "Would you like some tea, Kagura?"

"Yes, please."

And that was how the three ended up in Yuki's white living room, each person trying to keep their face as expressionless as the walls surrounding them. Tohru ventured softly, "Would you like more tea, Sohma-san?"

"No, I do not."

Silence. Then Yuki could take it no longer and said pointedly, but never dropping his formal manner, "What is it that you came here for, then?" Kagura's hands bunched the hem on her skirt, but she didn't speak. After a minute, the ex-boar raised her face, revealing the troubled expression that twisted her features. The brunette choked back tears and pleaded, "Why did you say it was Kyo?" Tohru was taken aback, mouth opening without the words to fill it. Finally, she managed, "B-Because it  _was_  Kyo, Ka—Sohma-san…"

"It couldn't have been."

"W-Why…?"

Kagura looked down again, eyes weighing something in her lap.

"Kyo didn't need to r—hurt someone because, well… He was, with me, that is…"

The silence was like the tearing of a thin membrane.

Yuki tensed, waiting for Tohru to react negatively, but the young woman merely dropped her head. She'd given up on knowing every aspect of Kyo long before then. Tohru retorted in an even tone, "Were you with him… That day?"

"Well, no, but—"

"Then how are you sure?"

"—Well, he said—"

"He's been cheating on me with a cousin who he said he hated for most of his life. Why should I believe anything he says?"

"—But—"

"There cannot be any other possible reasons for you to defend him. Have a good day, Sohma-san."

"-I love him."

"I know. I did too… Or so I thought."

Without another word, Kagura was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Back in high school, any of the Yuki Fan Club members would have tortured, trampled, blackmailed, seduced, or even  _killed_  to just catch a glimpse of Yuki Sohma's calendar that hung on a nail in his room. Over the years, as the silver-haired "Prince" had changed, so had the calendar. For instance, if you were able to find Yuki's old calendar from his second year of high school, you would see that New Year's Eve had originally been blacked out by a marker, but then had been outlined with a thin blue line, as if to redeem the day. On Valentine's Day, the blackened square had been modified with that same blue as well. And on White Day, the square had been filled in to be the blue of those lines completely. If you were to look at his third year calendar, however, past a certain point, every day of every month was blacked out. Those were the days after Yuki had removed himself from the equation that was Tohru's romantic interests. Yuki still kept a calendar, though he no longer hung it on a nail in his room. Instead, it lay between two books, only its spine telling of its presence. Not all of the days were blacked out, but many were, and none had any blue lines surrounding them. At least, none until around a week before the Fall Equinox.

Tohru spun over to the stereo, turning the music up, then following the arabesques of the melody back towards her patch of wall. Without pausing, she retrieved her paintbrush from the pan of paint, and flicked a ribbon of the blue over the white wall. The brunette didn't really care that flecks of the blue were sprinkling themselves into her bangs, or that the baggy shirt she was wearing would be unsalvageable after this escapade. Most of the walls were already the perspicuous blue that she and Yuki had chosen, and this was the last area on this wall before they could retreat to let it dry. Smiling, she brought the brush in a dramatic circle with a  _retardando_  in the music. Tohru executed another turn, this time with the brush, and smashed into Yuki. The ex-rat stumbled, then caught his balance before correcting hers. He relinquished his grip on her shoulders quickly, as though he had been touching something forbidden, and stooped for the dropped paintbrush as an excuse for his sudden movement. A quiet smile hinted at the corners of his lips, and he handed the brush back to Tohru, asking, "Do you like this song?"

Suddenly self-conscious, Tohru blushed and nodded, accepting the brush back eagerly. Twisting her hands around the handle of the paintbrush, the brunette moved to the center of the space, weaving her way through the dislocated furniture. Clicking back into time with the song, she spun and moved to another primed wall, signing  _Tohru_ _this color_ in large kanji across its length. But as she added a spiral to the end of the statement, she dropped the brush like it was acid. Horrified, she turned around and said in a panicked voice, "S-Sorry!"

Yuki blinked: this time, not even he could discern what she was apologizing for. Worried, he stepped forward and inquired, "Tohru-kun? Are you alright?"

Her eyes flickered between him and the wall, and she ventured, "D-…Doesn't that remind you of Akito?"

Yuki studied the wall, finding nothing perturbing in the words.

"No, not really. For one thing, he never used light blue paint," Tohru laughed. "And for another, it never occurs to me much anymore."

 _Thanks to you,_ he added in his mind. Smiling, the brunette dipped her brush in the pan of paint once more, and began to fill in the characters calmly, humming in an oblivious manner that was alarmingly cute. Her mouth opened, and she sang the tones of the piece along with it, her voice not exquisite, but clear and true. As clear and true as the sky. Yuki shook his head at his own antics, returning to his own wall. Years later, and he always returned to that comparison. He found it difficult to fit another one into its place, not like the many he had used with Machi. It was simply impossible to pin words to Tohru. Even if he could manage that, he somehow always made it back to the sky. Shrouded in his thoughts, Yuki made his way across the wall with his roller, legs swinging him automatically past the corner to the same wall as Tohru. She glanced at him, then returned to her work and singing.

For a moment, Yuki hesitated. He'd never really tried singing before, but it seemed so  _simple_  when Tohru did it, like there was nothing to worry about in pitch, tremor, and length. But as the song flurried its way into a  _crescendo_ , Yuki stood rigid and sang determinedly. Truly, his voice wasn't the best either; something the fan girls back in high school would have raised their eyebrows at—Prince Yuki,  _not perfect at something_? Impossible! —And assumed false. That was their way, after all. He formed a fist around the handle of the roller, concentrating on keeping his voice with the lower melodies.

He was so focused on keeping the pitches that he only halted when Tohru had to lean on the wall for support because of her laughter. Looking mildly surprised, as if he'd stepped off at the wrong station whilst on a train, Yuki relaxed and inquired, "Er…Tohru?"

The young woman dipped her head in acknowledgement, but found it difficult to sty her laughter. In an effort to look less amused, she pulled herself away from wall, leaving behind a large smudge of riled-up wet paint where she had been. That put a stopper in her mirth, her face progressing through surprise, horror, and the eventual dismissal rapidly. Tohru finally replied, "I'm sorry, it's just…The whole point of singing is that you do not concentrate on it so much. It's like, like when you can't contain your emotion any longer, and have to show it to the world."

"Y-You make it sound so important."

"I didn't mean too!"

Then, both of them seeing each other's alarmed expressions, the two broke down into laughter once more. When the fit subsided, Tohru and Yuki quickly finished the wall, anxious to see the completed room but sad to see the fun experience end.

By the end of the day, the room was as it had been, except somehow more alive with the soothing blue on the walls. Tohru sighed contentedly, and snuggled into the front of the couch, her stocking-covered feet crawling forward on the carpet. Finding a comfortable place on Yuki's shoulder, the brunette said serenely, "I've seen this room a hundred times, but now it feels so different. Wouldn't you agree?"

The ex-rat took a sip of the mug of coffee in his hands, purposefully distracting himself from the fact that Tohru was leaning on his shoulder. He stared at the liquid in his mug, its dark depths so vague yet still transparent around the edges. Like Hatori, he'd grown a liking towards the strong drink during his first weeks of university. Though he didn't drink it as compulsively as his older cousin, nor relied upon its caffeine as much, he still enjoyed it when the night became quiet.

Tohru, on the other hand, had turned away from coffee. She had a vague memory of when she was three, a small wisp of her mother brewing coffee for her father about six months before he died. The brunette was enticed by the smell, its layers capturing her among their masses. However, the taste, as she had later discovered, was too similar to soap for her to enjoy. Instead, she had a cup of tea, but had yet to drink it, letting it cool. She waited for the gray-haired young man beside her to reply, but his calm silence served as one. She asked, "Have you heard from Haru lately?"

He glanced her, noting the eagerness in her eyes. It had been over a year since Tohru had had any contact with Haru or Rin. Hatsuharu had avoided her like the plague after she moved out with Kyo, partly because she lived with Kyo, but mostly because Haru was the first to recognize the flattening in Yuki's silver eyes. The ox had recognized the wall Yuki had built in his mind to keep himself from Tohru. And for that, he was furious. Rin's lack of communication was attached to that particular issue.

"About two weeks ago, he met up with me for lunch. Or, rather, wandered into the restaurant I was at and did not know why. Random coincidence."

"Oh, how is he!?"

"Fine. He and Rin were in a tiff again, something about whether they needed to attach a GPS system to Haru's chest."

"Oh, I hope they don't separate again. Maybe I should…"

Tohru trailed off, concern in her eyes. She rotated the cup around and around in her hands, biting her lip. Yuki put his coffee up on the coffee table, and said, "You know he wouldn't want that. Haru's probably more worried about you. That and plotting on ways to murder Kyo."

She laughed, but her brown eyes still shone with a miserable worry. A worry Yuki had seen within her since that fateful day he found her talking to Shigure on his front porch. The brunette finally drank some of her tea, silent. For a moment, the comfortable silence returned to the pair, a thin layer of doubt icing the top. The ex-rat reached for his coffee and drained it in a swig-like manner. He put it back on the table, then ventured, "You know, it's been awhile since some Sohmas got together. Or descended onto a corpse, depending on which Sohmas we're speaking of. Why don't we invite some over some afternoon? We could play Dai Hin Min."

"D-…Do you really mean it?"

"Of course. Who else would we show off this amazing paint job to?"

She paused in her sip of tea, a true laugh escaping her. Joyfully, she replied, "I guess you're right. But who would we invite?"

The ex-rat placed his empty mug on the table, and shrugged his shoulders. He brushed some bangs out of his eyes, the glitter deep within them winking in amusement.

"Invite whoever you want, except 'Nii-san."

"Really? If I could, I'd invite Kisa-chan, Hiro-chan, Haru, Rin-san, Momiji, of course, Shigure, Hatori and Kana-san, and Kag- uh…. And that's all."

Her voice dwindled as she tried to forget her automatic addition of Kagura, but she quickly recovered with a smile plastered on her face. The simple excitement of a party was enough to keep her pessimistic thoughts away. Her empty mug joined Yuki's on the table. She turned her face into the fabric of Yuki's sleeve, and said quietly, "Tomorrow, could we go visit Uo-chan and Hana-chan?"

Since her release from the hospital, Arisa Uotoni had moved in with Saki Hanajima, finding the dark décor in Saki's apartment awfully accurate for her current disposition. Now four months into her pregnancy, the blonde spent her days at home, continuing to read her texts for Law and listening to music turned up loud enough that her thoughts could not reach her.

It had been a complete surprise to Hana and Tohru when the young woman had declared that she would get herself to Law School. The blonde had never exactly been the most enthusiastic about studying, but her relish in arguments propelled her through text after text, and eventually Pre-Law. Now that Uo was in Law, she was only more determined to complete the task. Amazingly, even through her rape and its repercussions, Arisa remained in the top twenty in her class. Finally, she had progressed from rebelling the laws illegally to arguing against them…and eventually getting paid for it.

Yuki said nothing, listening as her breath became even in the dregs of sleep. As the moon and sun slowly twirled in their eternal dance, he gently pressed her cheek to his chest, curled their hands together, and said, "Can you feel it? Can you feel what you gave me?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the wholly unjustifiable explanation for Kyo's actions. You've been warned.

**Chapter Five**

The apartment vibrated. Though the music had been turned up so that the pounding spring rain would not disturb the guests, it was not the thrumming of a bass part. No, it was the simple joy that radiated from the brunette as she traipsed from Sohma to Sohma, crying out ecstatically with each one, grabbing them and relishing in the hugs that so many of them could not give her before. And even brighter to those who noticed it was the small, satisfied smile upon Yuki's Sohma's lips, the sad tinge they used to carry made buoyant by Tohru's happiness. Though, forever the prince that he so despised being called out as, the silver-haired young man kept his distance from the young woman as she reunited with her friends. As long as she was pleased, so was he. Even if the method was not a direct one. The music hummed, the rain strummed, and the joy argued with the confinements that was the apartment, making it bulge at the seams.

At first, Tohru had been nervously pacing by the front door of the apartment. As the hour before the party began to wane, her worries were verbalized more and more frequently. First it was, "What if they get lost? Haru may never find his way, oh, I hope Rin is navigating him." Then, "What if Momiji-kun doesn't like the candy I chose for him?" And eventually, "What if the roof of the apartment falls on us and crushes us!"

Frantic at this point, the brown-eyed girl had turned to Yuki and just stared wide-eyed at him, a terrified expression of near comical concern washing away the blush from her cheeks. She looked like a wisp of wrapping paper floating there by the door, a paled copy of herself. And then the doorbell rang shrilly, snagging the copy into shreds with nerves as Tohru pulled open the door. Momiji looked at her, now just taller than her in his final high school year as puberty finally caught up with him. Not that it stopped him from being, well, Momiji. The blonde boy released a high cry—which cracked into what would probably be his matured voice—and said, "TOHRU!"

He always had the knack for stretching the word until it like some sort of tarp just barely covering the large amount of happiness he had. As always, like it hadn't been months, nearly seven, since she'd seen him, Tohru blushed in response and replied, "Hello, Momiji-kun!"

He froze in the midst of what would be a hug that he'd been attempting ever since meeting her and protested, "Four years, Tohru! I'm Momiji!"

Under the pressure of those pitiful blue eyes Tohru finally conceded after that four-year battle between etiquette and Momiji. She smiled softly, cheeks glowing pink, and corrected, "Hello, Momiji!"

"Überraschen!"

"Huh?"

Before either Yuki or Momiji could translate for the brunette, a strange-looking boy slumped in. He rolled his black eyes at Momiji, nodded at Tohru stiffly, and then relaxed when his gaze alighted on Yuki. Without greeting Tohru verbally—after all, she'd hurt his love—he slunk over to his cousin and stated, "You're unbelievable."

The ex-rat didn't bother with defending himself; it wasn't necessary when the answer was obvious. Haru, all (quite literally) black and white was, strangely enough, very sensitive to the gray areas in Yuki's life. The ex-ox felt it was his responsibility to keep Yuki in the equilibrium with whatever white or black that was needed. In this case, it was black that was needed, or so Haru thought. The odd-looking young man admonished, "You've been living with her for what, nearly five months?"

"Haru, she's still—"

"Honestly Yuki, I'm starting to think you swing a different way."

"Haru, would you just—"

"I mean, c'mon, you've been in love with her since forever. What could possibly be stopping you?"

" _Haru_ ,"

"What,"

The ex-rat sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before pulling Haru over to a corner. He dropped the last thin layer of patience he had for explaining himself to nosy people and said, "Listen. First off, consider this the  _last_  time I'm going to lay this out for you. You know what happened to her, you know Tohru. When Nii-san gave her a package of condoms for her nineteenth birthday she asked if they were shower caps for snakes. And then for someone who she trusted herself to, thought she understood, just went and did  _that_ , not to mention that it turns out Kyo'd been having sex with Kagura for years on the side… It takes a lot for her to even  _process_  that much. Okay, maybe you wouldn't get that because frankly, you're insane."

Hatsuharu nodded tersely, injecting, "Granted."

"Anyway, she's still brittle. She's trying to build herself back up around a different core now that the Kyo one has been removed. And if you want to pressure me into confessing my love for her—again, after two years, during all of this—then make sure you're the one doing it because I'd rather kill you than me. Right now what she needs is a friend and a place without judgment or people like you."

At this point Yuki had advanced into Haru's face, his voice frustrated and his gray eyes focused on the black ones of his cousin. The ex-ox wasn't one to be shaken by much, but this, well, he'd never really thought of it from that point of view.  _Apparently two isn't enough._ The silver-haired young man finished, "So I'm not going to press the matter for however long she needs. But I  _will not_  seem like an _opportunist lech_  who's been waiting to prey off of Tohru like some even-worse version of Shigure."

And he walked off, instantly composed in the face of more Sohmas finding their way to his apartment.

* * *

"Why did you do it?"

Simple questions had such difficult answers sometimes. Kyo sat back in his chair, fingers already in his hair in the gesture he did when he was stressed. He wasn't in jail, not when Uo refused to press charges. Instead, he was being forced by Kureno and Shigure to talk to Hatori daily. Not that it mattered. He was already feeling guilty enough, why did they have to keep rubbing it in his face? You raped someone… your fiancé's best friend… made her pregnant… Like he wasn't already aware of the facts. He was  _there_ , for Christ's sake.

He glared at Hatori. It wasn't like the guy had ever done anything impulsive in his entire life, like  _he'd_  understand. The one part of him that was even close to that was Kana, and  _that_  had taken nearly a year. Bt he was expected to explain it to him over and over again until somewhere he found what was wrong in his reasoning. There was something wrong, Kyo knew that, but he wasn't quite able to define it clearly enough to satisfy the ex-dragon. Hatori repeated the question, and Kyo replied, "Why does matter why I did it? I did it, that's the problem."

"Like what you did with Kagura-chan."

"Like she didn't try it with me for ages. You know Kagura, once I gave in there was no stopping her."

Awkward silence.

"Why did you do it?"

"Shit, Hatori!"

Awkward silence.

The two Sohmas never broke eye contact, pushing questions into each other's pupils until finally, Hatori won. That one critical, cynical eye had more power in it than two angry ones. The man had a  _gift_.

"Fine. I was home and she just showed up. And she was in a new suit 'cause she had a mock case on Monday, and she wanted to look good. She said we were gonna play Dai Hin Min and I said I'd beat her ass at it. She must've been in a good mood or something 'cause she just laughed it off. She asked where Tohru was, I said out, she said lemme text her, I said alright.

"As she was texting in her new suit thing, I dunno, it was like I was seeing her as a new person. All normal, almost. A working woman with some fire in her but still sweet at the center. And that suit, God, it was navy blue and it had this knee-length skirt, one of the tight ones, what do you call them… She wasn't that thug from high school anymore. It kind of caught off guard, like when did that happen? I mean, damn, she was beautiful. Not only that, but just... She was hot, okay?

"And I don't know, the cloth of that suit glowed against her skin, she'd always been pale 'cause she was blonde, not as pale as To—… Honda, but close. And she'd done something to her hair, pulled it away from her neck so that when she looked anywhere besides straight ahead you could see the curve. I just wanted to reach out and find that old Uo underneath that suit, see if I could coax it out. And she just kept retreating and and I just kept advancing and the next thing I knew I was… I was keeping her down, telling her things I've said before but I never really meant like that, getting that suit off, trying to find her, get her out of there. And then I went as deep as I could into her, there's only one way to do that, so… But she just passed out and then Honda was there and everyone and… Well, I hear she's back, though. The Arisa I know, right? She's back."

"Yes, Uotoni-san is faring well."

"I want to talk to her. I kind of want to… explain, you know?"

"Maybe after she gives birth. Too much stress before that could induce labor."

The dark-haired man said the excuse casually. If Kyo and Uo ever met again, which was likely considering who their friends were, it would have to be after birth, after she's resentful, and after… After everything.

"I know you're lying, Hatori."

"What about Honda-san?"

"What about her?"

Kyo looked at the clock above Hatori's head, amber eyes furious to see that time had not furthered by much. And he didn't want to talk about Tohru. He hadn't meant to go that far, not with any of it, it just took over him and got to him. It became him, like the hatred for that goddamned curse that Tohru'd helped take away.

"How are you going to explain it to  _her_. And to Kagura-chan and Yuki and Hatsuharu. That will be an interesting one. But mostly her."

"I love her, she loves me, we'll figure it out."

"No, you will. She already has."

Kyo was silent for a moment.

"Whaddya mean by that?"

"That's time for today, I trust you will be able to see yourself out. As always, Shigure or Kureno is here to take you back to Shigure's place. Bye."

And Hatori swiftly stood and left.

_WHAT THE HELL DID HE MEAN BY THAT?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made some editing here to make the end more clear, since I received feedback all those years ago that it was hard to understand.

**Chapter Six**

Tohru still had the framed photograph of her mother, which she had put in a small shrine by the entrance to her and Kyo's apartment. Unlike Uo, who would occasionally write in a diary in large angry phrases, Tohru would sit before her mother and calmly recount her day, thoughts, and impressions. But now, five months later, Tohru's mother was situated on a shelf in the spare room where Tohru lived, grinning roguishly towards her daughter's bed.

There was a quiet in the apartment that only two people could create after laughing themselves hoarse. Yuki had become accustomed to awkward silences with Tohru, the inflating words that weren't said nuzzling against his throat. He didn't like them, but they were better than not having words to say. So, basking in the new silence that tickled the empty place in his throat where words usually lay, Yuki stood to pull a book from the shelf across the room. As he walked away from the floor in front of the couch, the brunette there smiled at her hands.

Five months seemed like years to Tohru. She could remember choking in the sticky summer night, breaking in the autumn wind, giggling at the winter's touch. And now she was rolling spring's warmth about in her palms, feeling its feathery heartbeat.

She glanced at the flowers on the windowsill, their golden petals glowing in the afternoon sun. She'd gotten crocuses the moment they rose from the ground, then as they crumpled downwards again, she'd brought in potted marigolds. Every night, at that window, she and Yuki would water the plants, telling them what good children they were; so cheerful, so polite. She looked at her hands again, feeling Yuki's arms encircle her waist as she watered, laughing over her shoulder. And once again, her mind whispered in a voice so soft that the whirling thoughts that occupied her almost hid its tremor,  _It wasn't always Kyo; it was never just Kyo…_ Her hands gripped each other.

Yuki returned with the book, flipping it open to the first chapter as he settled into his usual place. A quick bemused grin pulled at the corner of his mouth and was gone, his eyes focusing on the words tenderly. He was studying to be a translator at University, so half of his books were in English, and the other half were in Chinese. Tohru had begun to see the meaning behind those letters after staring at them for so long.

She had learned English in school, as it was required, but this was different. Where the English in textbooks was choppy and bland, this was flowering and liquid like cotton curtains in a breeze. She'd come to think of it as a different kind of English, a sort of dialect. Where textbook English was Yokohama, this was Osaka. As for the Chinese, Yuki murmured it under his breath as he read, translating the English into Japanese in his mind and then translating it into Chinese from that with his lips. His voice was flawless as he translated, only pausing to turn the page. It was almost a song; building with the difficulty of the words and swaying as it became easy once more. Tohru sighed.

She wasn't going to University. She had never really thought of herself going to a college, not even a technical one. It wasn't that her scores weren't good enough, it was that nothing appealed to her as it had for her friends. She wanted to open a bakery, perhaps, someplace where she could be kind and warm, cooking and cleaning after everyone like she always wanted to. But there was no way to realize that now, not when she was afraid to smile at people she didn't know for fear of what they might turn out to be.

There was a knock on the apartment door, pausing Yuki's song and Tohru's thoughts. Slowly folding the cover of the book over his hand, the silver-haired young man called, "Come in,"

There was a moment of silence, then the door opened to reveal Uo and Hana, Uo brandishing a pastry box and, although it had no correlation to eating cake, a six-pack of iced coffee. Tohru jumped up onto her feet, rushing to hug her friends, throwing herself into their arms. She cried, "Hana-chan! Uo-chan! Why didn't you call? The apartment is a mess—" She gestured to a corner of a rug that had been turned up at some point. "—And I haven't even done the dishes from lunch yet. But, oh, I'm so glad you're here!"

Arisa laughed heartily, slipping off her shoes and stepping onto the wooden floor, bag and iced coffee in hand. She set the two items onto the dining room table, then touched her stomach, explaining, "He gave me cravings, and Saki thought we could come share the cake with you."

Tohru pulled open a drawer to fetch forks and plates, her face confused. She asked, opening a cupboard to retrieve glasses, "He?"

Uo shrugged, plopping into a chair.

"He's such a problem, making me want to go to the toilet for various reasons and giving me cravings. He couldn't be anything other than a boy."

Hanajima flipped her sable braid over her shoulder, her black fingernails splayed. She added calmly, "And if she keeps calling it a boy, it'll end up being a girl just like her."

Uo laughed again, subconsciously stroking her stomach as if to reassure the child within. "Aha," She said, "You've discovered my scheme."

She looked over at the brunette dutifully opening the iced coffee cans and pouring them into glasses. "Tohru," She added, "Don't give me too much. It's bad for him. See? He's not yet born, and he's already looking for trouble."

The conversation continued in such topics for two hours, skittering around from happy thing to happier thing, ducking its head when it passed dark parts. At least the apartment was comfortably silent again, the four friends sitting smiling at each other. Someone rang the door bell and Tohru unthinking bounced to her feet to greet the new guest.

The door revealed a shock of orange hair that snapped up to show amber eyes beneath. The mouth said, "Ah." The eyes widened, seeming to drown in the orange hair. And that voice, that goddamn voice. Tohru stepped backward, her hands rising to cover her mouth. The brunette's brown eyes screeched wordlessly as that voice sprayed over the air. Kyo said, "Tohru…"

Time halted, the brown-eyes young woman's face darkening in fury. Suddenly, Yuki was in front of her, pale fingers splayed. At the kitchen table, Hanajima stood quickly, her hands tucked into fists. There'd never been a need to punch someone before to Saki; waves were enough. But that day, that moment, only her tight hand crackling against flesh would fully satiate her rage. And Arisa shrank, her visage twisting. Time sputtered into place again.

"Calm down, dammit. Tohru's got the only keys to the apartment—"

"You're not welcome to stay there."

Tohru's voice cut, frigid steel.

"It's my apartment too… Or it is now, since you're livin' with  _Yuki_."

Silence.

Bad silence.

"Look, gimme the keys and then I won't e—"

"No."

"Goddamnit, it's not like you'll have to put up with me!"

He was angry now, annoyed because he couldn't get what he wanted. Was that what his face really looked like? Is that what played across his features when Tohru told him she wanted to wait? This isn't Kyo, not the one that Tohru knew, that Tohru loved. There was simply no correlation between those eyes, that hair, that mouth and that goddamn voice.

This was a monster.

" _Kyo-kun!"_

_When he turned around, a question on his face, Tohru was there. Somehow, somewhere along the way, the cat discovered consolation for him in that brunette. She caught up, ponytail fluttering behind her, and cushioned her deceleration against his arm, a smile like dawn over an orchard slapped across her face. It was so silly that Kyo couldn't help but smile as well, loosening his uniform's tie even more so that it slipped form his neck. He caught it, holding it in his hands in front of the couple._

_The brunette hesitated, brown eyes latched onto the tie, then lifted it from his palms to arrange it around his neck again. A blush spread on her cheeks as she did the knot. She finished, but by then, her brown eyes were seeing other things that pleased her more. The joyful countenance drained from Kyo's face, and he touched her cheek._

" _Tohru?"_

"… _Ah! I was just thinking about tying Yuki's tie. I haven't been doing it lately…"_

_Kyo's grin returned and her put an arm around her waist as they continued their walk home. He replied, "Well, that's fine. He should be able to take care of it himself by now."_

" _But the senior exams are so soon… I'm worried about him. I think he's avoiding me for some reason."_

" _Oh, he'll be fine. I'm tellin' ya. He's got that Machi girl to do that kind of stuff."_

_Tohru halted, a horrified expression plastered to her features. She trembled. She said tentatively, "Yuki-kun's… in love with someone?"_

_Something cried in her chest, making it tight. Kyo nodded, not looking down to see her face. "Yeah," he continued, "I saw them on their way home 'bout twenty minutes before we left."_

_"Yuki-kun's…that is…"_

_Kyo glanced down, taking notice of the brunette's features. He asked, stepping back from her, "Is that a problem…"_

_Tohru looked up, seeing the answer on his face. At least, the answer both he and she wanted to believe._

_"No," she said, taking a deep breath the flew into a fragile smile. They continued their walk home._

Her eyes like broken glass, Tohru shut the door. There was a muffled curse, then a hammering at the door. Silently, Tohru locked the door and turned away, shoulders heaving as the pounding continued. The words made thick by the wood, she heard Kyo shout, "You love me!"

Yuki snarled. Months.  _Months_. And then he came back and unraveled her all over again, just when he could feel those three words that had been the folly of his life nestling into his throat once more. He said, "Tohru, don't—"

She shook her head, biting her lip, and said to the man on the other side of the door, "I love Kyo-kun, not  _you_. Not what you are."

Silence.

Bad silence.

Tohru balled her fists, staring at the blue walls that had given her the strength she'd needed these past months and screamed, "YOU DISGUST ME!"

And she was on her knees crying, "And I disgust me too!"

_Never again, Mom. Never again!_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Her face was raw. She was beautiful in her distress, paled but somehow emphasized. Her brown eyes were glazed with the  _What if_  and  _Never again_  that crippled her. Bunching the comforter in her hands, Tohru stared at the possibilities and promises, and wept. Next to her in a chair was Hatori, lifting her yielding limbs and checking. His pen writing against the clip board on his lap sounded like a knife being sharpened. His throat tensed. Tohru, and everything Tohru had done, was sick. And he couldn't find the strength to repair her.

The pen clattered against the floor like a skull. The ex-dragon dropped his head in his hands, bangs floating away from his forehead as he surged into a sob. He couldn't lose spring again, not after so long. The girl next to him turned her head, those dulled eyes calm as she reached to pat the top of his head. A smile broke her tears as the doctor's head rose. The brunette murmured, "It isn't your fault, Hatori-san… It's mine."

Her eerie smile was beautiful as well, but it did nothing to comfort the man's heart. He stood, grasped her by the shoulders, and blurted, "Tohru, please, he needs you! We all do! It just doesn't work when you aren't there!"

Her head rattled about as he shook. Slowly, she turned her head away from the doctor to the door. She put a hand up on top of Hatori's, making him cease the shaking, and said dreamily, "I think I'll go for a walk…"

Her legs, pale as they shot from the hem of the hospital dress, slipped from beneath the sheets. She stepped into the hallway, wiping her eyes with a sleeve. Behind her, Hatori slumped back into the chair.

Almost immediately, a girl buried herself in Tohru's arms, crying, "'Nee-san!"

The brunette said, "Kisa-chan," then folded her into a hug, rocking the younger girl from side to side. But the brunette's eyes remained dead. The younger girl whispered, "I missed you so, so much."

She lifted a delicate hand to Tohru's cheek, looking up to search those flat eyes. It was like peering through butcher's paper to the brown irises behind. The young woman had had those clouded eyes for a week now, her personality withering away from the light it could not receive from those once open eyes. It was a familiar sight to the ex-zodiac of the Sohmas. They'd watched their friends and family succumb to it as hypnotism washed away the pain. And they'd watched each others eyes compress into glazed stares. Then a girl named Tohru Honda changed everything, wiped everything amiss away.

The ex-tiger repeated her sentiment, scrutinizing those eyes for the dimmest spark of emotion. And there it was, submerged deeply, buzzing into sight before sighing as the darkness swallowed it again. It used to get brighter every time Kisa said it, but the blaze now quelled at the same brightness. The orange-haired girl, now filling out her high school uniform in her first year, sighed. The brunette couldn't have known that those seven words, repeated twice, were her first to anyone in two days. She was falling silent again, slipping into the shadowed cracks behind all of the other Sohmas.

Hiro pulled on her hand, his eyes Bunsen burners beneath his bangs. He had respected Tohru, in a begrudging way. The brunette fixed Kisa, therefore she had to be good somehow, even if she had practically monopolized the ex-tiger's heart and attention. But now she was taking Kisa away again, the flow and ebb of a tide. In and out, bringing forth and washing away.

Kisa resisted, clinging to Tohru. Hiro's hand dropped away from hers. He shrugged, trying to appear indifferent. How many times had Kisa chosen her 'Nee-chan over him?

A young man with rumpled silver hair slumped on a bench across from the three. His gray eyes barely recognized the brunette. In fact, he barely recognized himself. However, his muscles stood him to attention from sheer devotion to the brown-eyed apparition that was his existence for nearly six years. He rubbed his chin, groaning at the beard beginning to creep out of his skin, and decided to rub his eyes instead. He thought wryly,  _If only my fan girls could see me now._  Then his eyes focused, finally catching up with his muscles, and the figure of Tohru Honda struck him.

She was suspended on the tile floor. It would have been standing if there was some correlation between her feet and the ground. Yes, she was obeying the laws of gravity and yes, her feet did touch the floor. But nevertheless, Tohru was floating. He began walking towards her, everything else but the listless sheen in her gaze dropping into a different world. His hand reached for hers, and his voice escaped his throat.

"Tohru,"

"It's my fault, Yuki. Everything always is."

Her smile was vapid, gorgeous in its dissolving lucidity. The ex-rat felt his hand tremble as it clasped hers.

"Is that a bad thing?"

Her eyes traveled along the ceiling, following some interesting path elsewhere.

"Of course. I made Kyo rape Arisa and sleep with Kagura. If I hadn't been selfish—"

"Kyo was the selfish one."

"You should hate me too, Yuki-kun."

His features arranged themselves into genuine surprise.

"Why?"

"I broke your heart. I didn't mean to; I didn't want to. But whatever it was that healed you, I broke. You pretend to smile, but I know I hurt you."

Her white hand fell away from his.

"And I was so selfish, thinking that you would be fine. Thinking that  _I_ would be fine."

Tohru wiped her eyes with her sleeve, smiling in her tears. Yuki was paralyzed. It had been years,  _years_ , and yet his confession had sat in the pits of his heart. But he had never noticed how it lay in her heart as well. Had she always known? He blinked, then said in a shaking voice, "Wh…What do you mean, Tohru?"

The young woman giggled. She looked at him, her eyes slowly illuminating every time he said her name, and stroked his cheek with her hand, feeling the bristles. She replied, "I was selfish. I gave you up because I thought, I thought you'd find someone better suited. And when you did, it killed me inside. But by then, it was so easy to hide it from everyone that it just sat in my chest, slowly rotting. I can't really say what happened to it; maybe it went dormant. But now, being here, I can feel it stir."

The light in her eyes was pushing forward with each word, her hands gripping each other. The ghost of Yuki's arms around her waist whispered into her ear. There were so many different opinions, so many different reactions. It was complicated to calculate, but simple to express. She continued, taking a deep breath, "I was selfish to sacrifice your feelings for mine. I was selfish to wait, I was selfish to even consider doing this—" She touched his cheek. "—Or this." She lightly put her fingers to his lips and continued, "I made a mess of it, didn't I? I built everyone up and tore them down. And I'm sorry. It was my fault, and I'm sorry. I—"

"Hush."

She paused, staring up at the silver-haired young man as he cut in. He lifted her hands in his, searching for the light in her brown eyes. He said, "I don't care about then, not anymore. I don't care about your selfishness because it became something good. All I care about is you, and you being happy."

She looked down at their hands. She said softly, "I don't know what will make me happy."

"Maybe that's because you already are happy."

She blinked.

"Isn't that bad? To be happy but not know why?"

Yuki shrugged. Her eyes were bright now, almost restored. He replied, "Is it bad to love and not know why?"

"No, of course not."

"Then it isn't bad to be happy for no reason."

Tohru gasped quietly, a blush rising as her eyes warmed. A tear traced a line down her face. She asked, "How do you know?"

Yuki stared down at her, his gray eyes sparkling. Then his voice said gently, "Because I love you, Tohru."

* * *

There was something about an empty place that made Kyo want to spit at the walls. He'd been accustomed to companionship in the last five years of his life, and the utter vacancy of being alone was catastrophic. He threw back a beer, snarling against the bitter taste. It was his fault, but it was everyone else's too. He looked at the empty room; it glared back.

"Fuck you."

The room didn't bother to reply. Almost calmly, he lashed out and kicked the wood of the wall, expecting Shigure to enter stage left and whine about vandalism. But no one came. The ex-cat threw the empty beer can at the wall. Unsatisfied, he went over to pick it up and threw it again, this time harder. He didn't want it to be this way. He cocked his head, hearing Tohru's laugh flickering through the air, but it was only a ghost. Tohru didn't live there anymore.

He bit his lip, fetching and hurling the beer can again. He should have known better than to expect her to just slip back into existence with him again. It wasn't like he'd totally fucked everything up… Oh wait, he  _had_. And now he was going to live in an empty place with no one throwing aluminum cans at the walls. He paused, thinking the possibilities through.

Kyo knew that it was impossible to manage, but he wanted to raise his child. No one deserved to live a contorted life because they were a mistake, a burden. He knew that feeling, and it wasn't fair to pass it on. That's what the whole thing was about, right? Taking responsibility for his actions? So why the hell couldn't he do just that and take care of his child, maybe even take care of the woman he had pressed the child onto?

The orange-haired young man wasn't fickle by nature, but he found different qualities he needed from different people. What he could not see in Tohru—lust—he found in Kagura. What he couldn't find in Kagura—trust—he found in Tohru. And what he couldn't find in either—passion—he found in Arisa Uotoni. Hadn't it been obvious that he needed Tohru the most, though? Hadn't he made it obvious  _to himself_  that he needed Tohru the most? He chucked the beer can.  _I guess not._

Someone knocked at the door, and Kyo called out, "It's open,"

Kagura stepped into the empty place, her eyes down-turned. She'd wanted him for years, and she'd gotten him. What the hell more did she want from him? Kyo reiterated the question out loud, and Kagura stiffened. Her dark eyes focused on her feet, she murmured, "I was hoping that Kyo-kun would come and…"

"I can't do that! It just makes things worse!"

"Please, it's so quiet. I can't bear it."

For a second, Kyo saw the future. He saw Kagura steaming rice to go with miso soup, a boy with dark hair and amber eyes clinging to her skirt, a thumb stashed in his eager mouth. He saw his job, his home, the lines they had drawn on his face. He saw Arisa Uotoni in court, a baby with a tuft of orange hair asleep on her back as she argued a case vehemently in front of a judge. He saw the bags under her eyes; the fire that still burned bright in her visage; the baby gurgling as she slammed her palm against a desk to punctuate a point. And he saw Tohru sitting on a park bench, holding up a stuffed toy to a baby carriage. Next to her a man with silver hair leaned over, facing away from Kyo's view. His heart shuddered as he recognized the toy as a stuffed cat.

The beer can slipped from his fingers, rolling to rest against the wall. Kagura went even more rigid. She asked, "Is it that…that impossible? For you to love me?"

He saw Hanajima quirking that eldritch smile of hers as she pretended to read palms. He saw Hatsuharu and Rin cooking something together, arguing over the instructions on the box. He saw Momiji guiding his mother and little sister towards a Cathedral somewhere in Germany—Vienna? Berlin? Nuremburg? He saw smiles and laughter, but something was fundamentally wrong. It was perfect, but it was wrong.

Kagura's knuckles were a sickly white as she gripped her purse. The cat-shaped key chain clinked softly against the strap's buckle. Her vision blurred and she started to back out of the empty place. It had never made a difference. She'd done for him what he wanted, but it hadn't made a difference. He was still… still… impossible.

"Is it that hard to conceive? Being with me? Kyo-kun?"

"…It's not right. It makes sense, but it's not right."

He looked at her all of a sudden, those orange eyes sharp and clear. "Kagura," He said abruptly, "I have to go where it's right."

The ex-cat stood and stepped into his shoes at the door, walking out past the ex-boar. He broke into a run, thinking of where she could be.  _Where would she be…_

And he was gone, leaving Kagura alone in the empty place.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

There are 127,288,416 people living in Japan as of July 2008. There are around 875 people per square mile according to that number. Almost half of a person per square yard. The smallest apartment in the world is 62 square feet. One person in Japan has 18 square feet to call their own. So it should have been impossible for two human beings living in a medium-sized apartment to avoid each other for three days, but Yuki and Tohru managed it. It was sort of a precaution; Yuki was afraid of hearing Tohru say, "No." Tohru was afraid of hearing herself say, "Yes."

She loved him, yes. That was unquestionable, as pronounced and astute as the Tokyo Tower in the skyline around them. That was, of course, if you were looking at it from the right way. And Tohru was staring at the skyline of her heart through a very thick parking garage.

What had been defined for her had proven to be only half, as if it balanced on a fence and she only saw one side. Tohru'd long ago given up on trying to understand every side of the Sohmas that enveloped her; how could she remember it all? It did seem impossible. But there were some things that she should have known, things that were definite. Giant prongs of soaring red and white metal did not simply blink away sometimes into the night.

She loved him, yes, and he loved her, yes… But how many sides of Yuki Sohma did she misunderstand or not even know? In the end, she had chosen the seemingly simpler man—boy, actually—and been proven false. What it left behind wasn't just a doubt of other's character, but her own. Was her perception of others really that misguided?

And so the night when fog lazed in from Yokohama and cradled Tokyo in the crook of its arm, Tohru and Yuki discovered that they had long ago run out of things to say to each other that were considered neutral, safe. With seemingly nothing around them as they looked out their clouded windows and nothing to say, the two human beings sat across from each other and avoided each other's eyes.

Finally, Yuki sighed. The brunette jumped, then looked at him inquisitively. He shook his head.  _I didn't say anything, did you?_  She returned her gaze to the blue walls. The ex-rat exhaled. The ex-rat inhaled. Then he said, "What do you want to know?"

Tohru stiffened as words rattled the air around her, nearly unfamiliar. She replied shakily, "I… I don't understand."

"What do you want to know that's stopping you?"

Tohru blinked, then almost glared at the silver-haired young man across from her. This wasn't the time, she wasn't prepared, he'd closed in and made it so she only had one answer, it was a trick question, how could he know her so well, how dare he… he…  _How dare he care for me so much?_  The young woman shook her head at herself. She was avoiding the question and trying to justify it to herself instead of Yuki. The brown-eyed girl replied, "How much do you love me?"

"Enough, I believe."

"No, I mean… How much of you loves me?"

It was an unusual question. Yuki paused, mouth open as he processed, then replied, his voice guarded, "All of me,"

"How much of you do I see?"

He resisted the urge to make a joke about the limits of polite baring of the skin.

"More than anyone else ever has."

He looked away, then added softly, "More than I have, anyway."

And in that moment her heart was healed as it broke once more. There are times when a broken thing is positive. How could one properly set a bone without breaking it again? How could one dip a large cookie into milk without breaking it in half first? How could one repurpose a pair of jeans into a skirt without first cutting and ripping out stitches? How could a blinded, broken heart repair without someone peeling away what had been false?

She hid her face in her hands, leaning forward to prop herself up on the kotatsu Yuki had dragged out of the closet some months ago. She wasn't being fair about it, was she? The point of waiting to answer was so that she could clear her mind, see all angles, but what angle had she missed that had caused Yuki so much grief?

From behind the shield of her hands, Tohru said softly, "You know my answer, you always have. You've known my answer when I didn't. You know me better, seen more of me, than anyone else. But I can't… I can't summon the words to my tongue the way that I should. I can't summon the light to my eyes or the flush to my face, the clamor in my heart. I know you make me do these things. It should be simple. It should be easy, but I can't,  _can't_  do it by myself."

Yuki leaned forward and lifted her hands away from her face. Their eyes met for the first time in days and the pull between the two souls behind them brought them closer, closer, until only the prohibition of faces and lips pressed together held them apart.

And in her breath, in her scent, the sensation her hands linking with his as they sat there in the world they'd molded for themselves from white walls and hot days when scorpion fish was on sale were the words he drew from her heart.

_I love you._


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Uo was supposed to be bed-ridden, but who was some doctor with hair over one of his eyes going to tell her? At over eight months, she suspected that she was closer to her baby than anyone else was, seeing as they'd been roommates of sorts for so long. So when she wanted to get out of bed, put on a sweater, and sit on a bench in the park three blocks from Saki Hanajima's apartment, any tricks her kid was going to pull would be worth it. Kind of like putting up with dirty bits of laundry scattered everywhere. She pulled her cell phone, grinning at a text message from Tohru. " _I called, but Hana-chan said you're out. Take it easy!_ "

The blonde played with the lid of her phone for a minute or two, watching a woman lead her babbling toddler towards a department store across the park. It scared her and pleased her to think that she would be that woman in a few years. In a few months, weeks, or days. Hours. Minutes.  _Seconds…_  Her thoughts were jolted when someone sat down next to her. She looked over, then up. Arisa's breath caught in her throat as she shrank away. She shivered and said in a weak voice, "Get the hell away from me."

"No,"

"I said, get the hell away from me."

"And I said no."

Uo considered this development for a moment, then said dangerously, "Just 'cause I'm pregnant with my kid doesn't mean I'm not capable of killing you. Or, even better, suing you penniless."

Kyo swallowed, not looking down at the blonde next to him. It was unfair to sit down next to a very pregnant woman; it wasn't as easy for her to get up and walk away. But he  _wanted_  to explain this all to her. He didn't want her to walk away. It wouldn't be right. He said quietly, " _Our_  kid,"

"What?"

"Our kid, Arisa, our kid."

"Don't call me Arisa, you asshole."

The ex-cat didn't seem affected by the insult, merely sighing onto his hands to let some of the heat back into them. Kyo thought aimlessly about mentioning the weather, but quickly cast the topic aside. Too regular, too boring, too inappropriate. The blonde next to him, resolute, added, "Besides, I'm going to make sure that is no child of yours. Who let out of their lock and keep, Orange Asshole?"

The new nickname wasn't funny. Then again, neither was the situation. Kyo nodded, as if expecting her to say something along those lines, and replied, "Firstly, a human has forty-six chromosomes. I gave that child twenty-three, and you gave it twenty-three. I have a responsibility to it just as much as you do. Secondly, no one was keeping me. I just had to live in an exact moment for a couple of months."

He chuckled mirthlessly, the sound dropping like anvils upon the chilly air, "Nearly nine of them, in fact. Nine months, nine lives."

Uotoni was nearly shocked into silence by the thought. Nearly. Not as quick in her retort as she usually would be, the young woman jeered, "Have you been studying, Orange Asshole? Very unlike you to care about the consequences of something you did impulsively."

"Whatever it took to get here to this bench next to you."

"The hell are you talking about?"

The ex-cat caught her gaze, making her focus on those unbearably evil eyes, their heated irises with that pinprick of cold black where the demons within saw out into the world. He thought about grabbing her hand, but the imagining of her reaction was enough to override the impetus. So he just started, not quite making sense to himself. The suit, the lawyer-ing, the alabaster of her neck against the gold of her swept hair… What he'd been looking for all these months, what was right. The right place, the right feeling, even if he was ahead of himself in that; was way ahead of being way ahead of that. He petered off finally, waiting to be killed. Arisa sighed, her shoulders drooping forwards as she seemed to cave in around the dome of her stomach. She said slowly, "You've got nerve. You've got more than nerve. You're _insane_."

With that, she levered herself form the bench and tried to stalk back towards Saki's apartment. When she glanced over her shoulder, Kyo wasn't following her.

The first place Uo wanted to go after her son, Kohaku, could support his own head with his neck was that park bench. She hadn't seen Kyo Sohma since that day nearly two months ago. There was snow on the ground, so Uo left Kohaku at home in Tohru's arms with an uncharacteristically cooing Hanajima bowing over him like a vulture godmother guardian angel. She trudged through the snow and swatted the white powder off of the bench before sitting down. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sounds of the park, when the crunch of boots set off alarms in her head. She followed the sound in time to see Kyo sit down next to her. She glared at him. He didn't even look at her, just started talking again. And he didn't stop until she gave up her seat reluctantly and went back to her baby.  _MY baby_ , she thought.

And so it went for weeks, months, days, years. He never tried to touch her, never asked for conversation. He just sat down next to her and started talking, like she was a sight that triggered a spigot in his mind to open. He sat next to her watching Kohaku toddle, watched him giggle his first word,  _ko_. Child. Once the young man paused in his recitation to ask his son's name. When Uo replied "Kohaku" without a moment's thought, he stood and walked away. She craned her neck in time to see a tear sprint down the side of his face.  _Kohaku_. Amber. Slowly, slowly, the asshole faded and all that was left was Kyo, waiting for hours every day to see if she would bring her little boy— _their_  little boy—to the park.

And so it was on Kohaku's fourth birthday that finally, Arisa interrupted the ex-cat and said, "Jesus, you've said it enough. Come on, Orangey, let's go save your son from killing himself by jumping off of the jungle gym."


End file.
